Let me explain, and I'll start with as far back as I can remember. Which, at the moment after one cup of coffee puts me at about eight years old. Let me preface this with the fact that I am officially, in it's technical meaning of the term, a bastard. I was born out of wedlock, to a man and a woman who never got married and my family made sure to make me feel unwelcome in it for various reasons as I grew up (not all but hey! who has time to name everyone and every reason?) --but what're ya gonna do in a mostly Catholic raised family?
So, I bared with what I had and bounced from custody of my mother, to my (younger) aunt, to my grandmother quite a bit and never quite experienced stability. I was loved by my aunt, and her new family (my uncle ed's fam that she married into) and treated very well. I was loved by my grandmother, and shed loved me more than anyone on this planet. I don't care what ANYONE says from my family because I KNOW how she felt about me (it helps that we were close but Ive confirmed this by reading her diary after she passed). Anyhow, my mother never loved me. She can feign and lie and say she did, but actions prove louder than words and to be honest--I never felt anything but contempt from that woman. I've since cut her out of my life, for the better BELIEVE ME, but a lot of time negative energy was present it was all because of her and I am not kidding here. I never felt an ounce of love from her, just pure obligation. That being said, a lot of the time my birthday (July 12th) would be the birthday that got passed over. SURE I have seen pictures of parties from the past (before my 8th and beyond) where we celebrated (and I was much much younger) but I don't remember those parties to tell you if I had fun. What I do remember is my grandmother threw them. She worked night and day to bring home extra money and we had a party, and that was HER doing. But after she moved out and I was stuck with my mother. A lot of the time the entire family just forgot it was even my day. I was ignored and sent money in cards AFTER the fact. OR, now this is my favorite solution--they would realize they forgot, PANIC, and then offer to throw me a party within a party.
Let me explain what that means to an 8 year old. It means I wasn't special enough to be remembered, so OOPS, let's scoot her in with so and so, and so and so (who were acknowledged literally weeks before hand actually ON MY BIRTHDAY is when I would receive their invites....). Quick! run to the store and get an ice cream cake! Who knows how to write on a cake! QUICK add her name while I get the ice cream cake and have her blow out the candles with the other two! Take pictures its her birthday! Everybody I bought a card, quick gimmie money so she thinks we remembered! No. Guys, that's not how it works. It wasn't special. No one was there for me. No one. I had no friends there,the theme wasn't my theme. I'm not a boy. AND HOE how come THIS KID GOT A FUCKIN XBOX but I got some money in a card? How come you guys dont know what I like? The card isn't even something I would legit think was nice. Its something super impersonal. OH! Grandpa to the rescue with his "let me throw money at shit" way of approaching life, and now my money just got boosted to 300$. COOL. I'll buy my own xbox. Thanks guys. And people wondered why I was so ungrateful and depressed. No one wanted me. No one talked to me except my cousins, who were actually very busy playing with their friends. No one was there for me. No one remembered me on my day. And this wasn't the ONLY time it happened either. This is just one example sadly.
Let's fast forward a few years later to when I had to babysit a clan of children on my birthday, clean the house, make food and take care of things and no--this wasn't for pay. This was my every day. My mother was going out for the evening with my step father. And I was staying home to babysit, no friends. No phone. Great day. I got a few acknowledgements which was nice, but they were from my friends and my sisters.
A few years later I got into a physical fight with a friend. Someone who I thought I could count on forever, that I had been friends with for a long time. We felt like sisters. But she had to cross the boundaries in a way I could never imagine. I lost a friend that year which really hurt. It was like a breakup, but breaking up with your best friend. So maybe what I imagine divorce would feel like. I started to recede into myself and withdraw. I became very depressed, and then I switched schools.
If you were wondering, this is all stuff that has happened on JULY 12th of varying years, now I have to talk about the year that effected me most. My grandmother was diagnosed with brain cancer. I was 14 years old, it was maybe a few days before my birthday but I remember it well. My grandmother fell in the shower and was brought to the hospital. After a few headscans and tests, and maybe a week waiting time ( even closer to my birthday), we were told she had a tumor and it had to be operated on. This is not the blog post for the details on that, because I have to do a ton of delving into memories and asking of uncomfortable questions that I'm sure my family isn't ready to answer (we suppress everything here). BUT, in this time and the weeks leading up to her death, is how I sank deeper into a depression hole that I couldn't even begin to explain or get out of. She died. A year later.Now everyone WANTS to forget that day. I can't blame them. I did too.
Years leading away from this had me losing very precious items I can't ever have returned, from people who broke into my home and stole everything I owned at the time. I was on my own and officially renting with other people at 15. I had three jobs, I went to high school, and I was exhausted all the time. There were times, where I would disappear for months (where I went will have to be another post as well) but no one even knew I was missing. NO ONE cared. But I always felt like no one especially cared on this day. This day was cursed, why would anyone like this day? I tried to kill myself.
I was so alone and I felt like the only one that cared about me was my cat. Everything hurt so much, that I just felt like that wasn't enough to keep going. Music wasn't even helping anymore, it was like the tunes were monotone to my icy heart. I wanted to just die and end it all. So, I took a bunch of medications--and I fell asleep under a dumpster in the middle of a city in some back ass alley.
But I woke up and here I am.
For five more years I had terrible luck, just little things. Breaking precious items. Losing things. Getting arrested for stupid shit. Getting beaten by ex boyfriends. Being stolen from. Being told I was worthless. All this every day of my life really, but especially concentrated on July 12th.
But why? What the hell did I do to the cosmos? WHO did I piss off?
No one.
Life challenges you to make you stronger, and here I am.
My husband tried his best to alleviate the bad luck when I finally met him. We had relatively okay years and he always managed to make me feel extra special on that day. The only one I remember doing that for me, is my grandmother when she was alive. He takes care of me and I love him for it. But we still had snags of bad luck on that day. Money would be tight, transportation would be an issue, the heat would be an issue (have you ever been in the valley in july? it is fucking HOT!!), or my husband couldn't get time off, OR he would have TOO much time off so we were worried about bills. We were evicted one year from a home we spent three years in and loved over a small amount of money because our landlord couldn't wait one more month for my husband to go back to work. More bad luck.
Last year wasn't so bad though, we did go out and tempt the cosmos to screw me royally, by going for a hike on one of my favorite trails (before they took my shitty car). It was peaceful and I drank and felt relaxed. We saw wildlife and flowers, and I was in my element. Honestly the only bad that happened was I twisted my ankle a little but I'm always doing that shit so really, I was thankful.
Now it brings me to this year. This year I was just going to say fuck it. I told everyone not to wish me a happy birthday on that day, with every intention of ignoring the day entirely. After all, I'd already celebrated my birthday at the VANS WARPED TOUR in Phoenix a week prior. THAT WAS INTENTIONAL. Well, to my Pagan and Wiccan friends who were sending me good vibes that day--my ladies, I LOVE YOU so much. THANK YOU. And I have proof.
My all-time favorite musician, his father,and my husband got together and made the day turn completely around for me. All of the years prior to this, though they have been bad, are now nullified by one simple act of kindness. Thank you Chris,Thank you Andy, Thank you my Raggedy Andy, Thank you BVB army! THANK YOU cosmic fam! I love you all.
I cried. I have never really fangirled like that before in my life. I read my husband's words, I read Chris's I read Andy's and then I broke down. I cried because I was overwhelmed by the small gesture more than anyone will ever really know or understand. This is something that I am going to remember for the rest of my life, and honestly I didn't expect something like that to be said to me. I love the way Andy words and phrases shit, and it really felt like he meant his words from the bottom of his heart which also felt nice. I cried and I felt happy, it was a really strange feeling. I've never had one quite like it before. I will always remember that feeling inside me, until I die.And you know what, Thank you to everyone in between that made the day mean that much more to me. AND to those who actually on an every day basis make me feel like what I have to say actually means something to someone somewhere. THANK YOU. I love you all. YOU, are my family now. One that I have embraced into the one that I have started to make on my own. You are the people who matter to me in my life most right now and words cannot express just exactly how good that makes ME feel and how much it all means to ME.
See you next week ghouls! Stay safe, be happy, live life how you want to, an as always be your weirdest self! Happy trails! XO Danii_Grimm
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